I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.