Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
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him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Try and stop me.
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……