Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
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[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*sewing*
A thread
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.