5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Put this video in the Louvre
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.