Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
I had to Stop for this
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Wait a minute
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE