I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
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hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight