“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
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ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I have many caverns
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!