Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
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My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Hmmmmm