I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?