In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
ME: I will have 4 blueberry muffins for dinner please
DUNKIN DONUTS CASHIER: Please do not tell us that you’re having them for dinner