i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
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I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
This could be us but you eatin’
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Its true…
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Finally! 😈
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point