We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
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*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]