Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
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My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
you gotta be faster
I’m aging like a fine banana
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.