COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
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My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
she has a point
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
a badder mouse
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.