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Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that