[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
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“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
just left a huge legacy in there
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.