[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
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“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Introverted vegans go meetless
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires