People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
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Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
The French word for sex is croissant.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.