good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
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god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
My brain is a bad influence on me
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good