My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
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The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Happy thanksgiving!
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!