It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
The news is so predictable nowadays
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.