Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
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Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
philosophical skeletons be like
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
My five year plan is a meteorite
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.