Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
You Might Also Like
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me