Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
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5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!