having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
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“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Me if I was a dog
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’