“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
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me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
somewhere, in an alternate universe
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.