A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
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When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Thank you corporation very cool
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”