ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
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[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?