THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
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[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap