me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
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Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
😂😂
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Pretty much. 🤣
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
marvel comics have peaked
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?