I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
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I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.