british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
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Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
what’s more important?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”