Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
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Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Breaking news:
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun