A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.