Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
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Not helping
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
no
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit