Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”