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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”