My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
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[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢