[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
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today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
mom gave me mine for free
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.