Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
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I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog