America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
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If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
S O O N
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
March 16