Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
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snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands