*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*