My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
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My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
i baked you a cake
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough