I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
Happy Febuary everyone!
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.