Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
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My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing