Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.