Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
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son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*