If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
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Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Herpes is trending, good job people
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Noah was an idiot.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.