Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
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That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Lmao 🤣
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.